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Friday, December 28, 2012

Is it Over Yet? (The Holidays)

My pain doc’s nurse called yesterday.  She asked me how much of the Miralax I was taking and almost had a heart attack when I said three cap fulls.  At once.  She said change it to three times a day (which is says on the gigantic tub it comes in….I just don’t read very carefully).  I’ve been doing it that way for months now.  Maybe that’s why I have so much gas.  She also yelled at me when I said I didn’t need to re-order my breakthrough drug, morphine.  She said I need to take it because the goal is to be functional.   I WANT MY BOWELS TO FUNCTION.  But it’s the same as a spinal cord injury in terms of function.  I can wish all I want.  Or I can adjust.  Hmmm.  I wonder which is better for me mentally and spiritually and even physically.  Anger or acceptance.  Not rocket science but still very hard to do.  Especially when one is isolated so much with nothing but my brain on drugs to keep me company.  Thank heaven for Pam.

She took me out for 30 minutes because I needed some stuff, had no cash, and since the sun is actually out (after six weeks of nonstop rain…think monsoon) I wanted to get out of Dodge, so to speak.  She’s a honey and is always making suggestions that would work for the normal constipated person.  Licorice, molasses, etc.  I finally said it’s like offering a carrot to a blind person and expecting their eyes to improve.  Not gonna work.  I made more of my magic paste, but so far, I’ve only tried it once.  Gotta try some more.

I have no appetite again.  Zero.  I made oatmeal this morning because I felt hungry but I could only get a few bites in.  Then I had a piece of toast.  I gotta stop obsessing; I just don’t know what to do and I’m scared.  I don’t even know of what, anymore.  Pam just offered to make me something but I’m nauseous.  Chicken noodle soup might work with a little leftover chicken in it.  She’s making that now.  Ah, the life of Riley.  I’d give anything to be able to do it all myself.

I look back on all the things I used to complain about: cleaning, shopping, etc. and I feel embarrassed and ashamed.  Don’t it always go to show that you don’t know what you’ve got til’ it’s gone.  Paradise to parking lots.

May you all have a happy, healthy year.  Be grateful for what you have and try not to be angry if you lose it.  Learn from it.  Grow wiser, not just older.

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