I just spoke to my friend Ted, who’s in a nursing home due
to the same NF problems I have, only more advanced. Tons of pain, unable to do anything by
himself (this was six months ago) etc.
Well, he wasn’t feeling well one day and went to the ER because he knew
something was wrong. He had a fight with
the ER staff because they weren’t listening to him explain the problem he was
having. He insisted on a CAT scan and
they found his appendix was ruptured.
Now he’s in a nursing home because he can no longer take care of
himself. It is a nightmare, to say the least. He told me to do everything in my power to
make sure that doesn’t happen to me.
Ted has had dozens of surgeries. Unlike me, he has rods in his back. Like me, his pain
receptors are full and nothing helps with the pain in any way to make a
difference. And now he is in a newer
nursing home, which is the only plus because they keep it clean, but there are
TWO nurses for 22 patients (his section) day in and out.
The noise level is through the roof from dawn until 10 p.m., the bed is
so bad the staff must turn him during the night because of sores on his backside,
the sheets are so thin you can watch television through them and the food? This is a grown man who weighed all of 140
when he got there; now he weighs 120.
Once in a while, his ex-wife (who he’s close to now) or a friend will
come by with some edible treats, but he doesn’t have much of an appetite
anyway. Mostly, he’s sorry he didn’t
exit himself before it came to this.
Mostly, he encourages me to go that route if I was getting close. How would I know? He didn’t.
It was the last surgery that did him in.
The one he wasn’t expecting. Mostly, he wants to die as soon as possible.
Well, who in the right mind tells themselves that’s where
they want to die. He said his biggest
regret and fear is that that’s where his life will end. He eats alone every single meal because
everyone there is in their 80’s and they are either being fed, drooling or
making horrible noises. He did start to eat
with everyone on Thanksgiving, when he looked up and saw his ex standing there,
smiling. She had told him in the morning she was having Thanksgiving with
friends, but surprised him. She is
having surgery next week and won’t be around for a few months.
As difficult as it is for me, and it is difficult, I must
try and not go to the abyss, my favorite hangout. I must try to hold on to what I do have, not
what I don’t, or what I think I want, or need.
Because in the end, none of us knows the real answers to those
questions. Mostly, we don’t even know
the questions.
This seemed like a better place for this John Prine song, rather than under "Caregivers"