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Saturday, November 10, 2012


I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me why and when my pain levels shift so much.  Thursday, it was like there was nothing wrong with me at all…that feeling lasted about five hours and I thanked G-d for every second of it, believe me.  I don’t just pray for help, whether it’s for me or someone else.  I make sure to give thanks for it if my prayer is answered the way I want (and if not, keep in mind my prayers ARE always answered, just not always the answer I was shooting for).

Today was a day from Hell.  Nothing was keeping it at bay; and I had a couple things to do that required I go out…without help.  I did it, but it wasn’t easy.  And it was patch day today, so hopefully tomorrow will be better.  The day following patch day is usually the best but the weeks preceding the election were a nightmare.  Don’t get me started. 

So, I think I need to keep in mind that what goes on in my body is a reflection of what is going on in my mind.  Our bodies are receptacles of our emotions, and holding on to anger, frustration, fear, etc…..all the “negative” feelings; makes things so much worse.  You don’t have to have a tumor disorder to know that, right?

My helper made a very scary error the other day.  I want to take partial responsibility, but then again, I have her because there are certain things I can no longer do, AND, I get foggy from the drugs.  We were going out to do errands (my good day) and we stopped to get my mail.  Two hours later, on the way home, we passed the mail boxes and I noticed my mail door was opened and my keys were dangling from the lock.  I yelled for her to stop, and got out to retrieve them.  She was ashen.  She also had been driving kind of loopy.  I took a deep breath and just said “Well, we could dwell on what could have happened, but nothing did, so let’s just drop it for now” But I also said how disastrous it could have been; my box identified who I was, and my house key was on it.  And all my drugs are in the house.  Disaster with a capital “D”.

She immediately told me I had every right to fire her on the spot.  I said lets’ just take a breath.  I did acknowledge it was a bad error, and that I really, really needed her to pay attention.  She gets side tracked easily.  But she has had a very hard life.  People don’t do this job unless they have to.  I mean, there are probably some care givers who enjoy it, but there isn’t much to enjoy.  The woman is a cleaning machine.  My home was never filthy, but it was messy sometimes.  I guess I didn’t see the down deep dirt until she showed up.  It sparkles.

And I needed to take a couple days to balance things in my mind.  I also needed to ask her if she was planning on telling her supervisor, who happens to be coming on Monday to talk to me about her and how I am getting on with her.  She is supposed to do it every once in a while so it’s no big thing.  And I’m a client, but I’m her boss and get to choose which company I want to work with, as long as they contract with DSHS.   I can also have a person of my own choosing who works independently with DSHS.  That I’m not so thrilled about, because if they can’t make it, there is no one to replace them on that day, whereas with the service I use now, takes care of that (if they can, but they usually do)

I talked with my dad about it; he’s always wise about this stuff.  At first, he thought I should find someone else.  But when I called him back, I told him I thought about it and realized I’ll be trading one problem for another because no one is perfect and this is a tough job.  For the most part, I really like this woman and she has been so good to me, and I to her.  She’s so willing to jump in there and do whatever.  She brings me little treats….like flowers from her garden, chocolate, smoked fish that her son makes….and I give her the dark meat from my roasted chicken because I don’t like it, and other food items I decide not to eat….all of it good and not past the due date...

So what if I have to repeat myself sometimes.
And remind her where to turn to get me where I need to go, even if we’ve done it a few times.
And find things that don’t belong where I found them (like a sponge in the dish cupboard)

The key thing was bad….but I know it won’t happen again.  If it does, my decision may be different.  But the last thing I want to do with her is put her on
“probation” She’s nervous enough.  And I am NOT a task master.

I just hope and pray I stay cogent until the end.  And have all the people I love still in my life.


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