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Friday, November 23, 2012

The Abyss

Fredrick Natchez wrote (among other things) that if you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back into you.  It’s true, at least for me.   I feel everything closing in around me when the pain reaches the heights it has been reaching.  Maybe I’m just freaked out about my upcoming appointment 45 minutes from home on Tuesday.  I really am scared about it.  Haven’t been in the car that long since my brother brought me back from the hospital in September.  

And when I start walking around the periphery of the abyss, the panic attacks come racing in, ready to give me a one, two punch.   And panic makes the pain worse.  Yesterday, not even lying flat was helping 

Wednesday, I had to dump Oliver's litter because he wouldn't use the box and that usually means something is wrong in there.  Pam was gone, and it was a lot of work.  I had other litter, thankfully, but now I need more.  All that work is probably why the pain is so bad.  At least I got to cancel his appointment with the vet; he's using the box now.

My brother came by just now with a food care plate from the Thanksgiving dinner I missed.   My sister is a phenomenal cook AND baker; the turkey was wonderful, the mash potatoes and the asparagus, all great.  But the pecan and cherry pie slices were incredible…only had a small bite of each, as I want to save them for tomorrow.  If I felt well, I of course would have been there, but feeling the way I do, I can’t say I missed it.  And therein lies the rub, eh?   I miss most of life because I’m in pain, but if I was well, what would I be doing right now?  And what am I supposed to be doing in the condition I am in?  Just  being?  To be?  I’m a verb, great.

Seriously, my dad is 88 and in tons of pain, but he still gets around and has no help except a cleaning woman twice a month.  And he’s friends with a bunch of people who have major health challenges.  They go to movies, out to eat….you know, doing life.  What’s wrong with me?  Yes, I’m in agony much of the time.  This new regiment isn’t the be all end all.  And family just doesn’t understand….my brother said he “thought the new program was working”  Well, it is if you want to call lying flat on your back all day but not in pain for two days each week working.  Yes, I go out for an hour or two each week, with my helper.  She offers to go without me, but I need to put it on my debit card.  Eventually, I’ll have to keep a bunch of cash on hand because I won’t be able to do it anymore.  I’m scared to death.  Well, I’d like it to be to death, but apparently, that’s not the plan.

I’m beginning to think we are date stamped at birth and we have to keep going until we expire.  So be it.  Fair, it ain’t.  But so be it.  Sorry, very bad day.  I was going to post this yesterday, the day I wrote it….but it was Thanksgiving and I was trying to be thankful for what I DO have.  I think of something to be thankful for every day, but when the pain is a 10, it’s hard

Sorry this reads so scattered.

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