Focus

Keeping myself positive and focused (on anything other than the pain, isolation, etc.) is always a challenge this time of year.  It’s the darkness; opening the drapes at 7:30 and closing them by four is depressing, let’s face it.  But I keep myself as busy as possible, reading, watching Netflix, writing, etc.  I am still on a self-imposed news blackout because I am still get very depressed and the pain sky rockets whenever I stick my toes in the water of what is laughingly called “the news” these days.    It used to be just a couple of networks that did more editorializing than reporting….now they all do it.  Today, Pam told me about the end of Hostess snacks.  Can’t say I’m sorry to bid them goodbye, but I am aggrieved about the loss of jobs.  And I admit, I use to have a Hostess cupcake every once in a while…rare and, but a treat.  Oh well.

My brother and his wife, Fran, came over Saturday night and took me out for dinner.  I was having an okay day, and I drugged up a bit too well; they each had to take an arm, as I kept stumbling.  And I almost fell going into the restaurant.  A couple people saw me and probably thought I was drunk.  Well, it was drugs, but I wasn’t about to stop and explain about my tumors.  It was great.  I so miss interaction with people.  Yes, I have someone come over a few days a week now, but it isn’t the same as a close friend or family member.  I’m not going anywhere for Thanksgiving….too long a drive, even if someone picks me up, and I’ll just go lay down when I get there, so why bother?  So seeing family this close to the holiday helped me a lot.

I’ll tell you, one of the biggest challenges in all this, besides the isolation, pain and forgetting one’s social skills, is the temptation of stopping to explain to total strangers why I need a handicapped space (when the symptoms aren’t obvious) or when I’m stumbling around like a drug addict (well, you know).  Hard stuff.

I wonder what makes me keep fighting.  When Oliver passes, assuming he does so before me (as hard as it will be, it will be easier for me, I think.  He won’t know where I went.  Of course, I don’t know where I’m going either (lol).

Speaking of Oliver, he is not well again.  He’s not evacuating the way he should be doing and I’m afraid it might be a urinary infection, even though it’s his bowels that have stopped.  I even gave him some lactulose (I used to give it to him several times a week, years ago) twice today and no effect.  He sees the vet tomorrow….and I leave the carrier out the day before so he isn’t freaked when he sees it, and he actually crawled in there and just stayed for a while.  That freaked me out.  He’s telling me he needs to go see the vet.  I know that sounds nuts, but trust me, he HATES that thing.

Today, this song has been going through my head.  Maybe because I just watched that FABULOUS Cole Porter movie, “De-Lovely” but I honestly can’t remember hearing that one….he wrote over a thousand songs in his lifetime.   Talk about contributing to the joy in the world.  I know there is lots of great music out there right now, but those songs?  The Cole Porters, Irving Berlins and all the jazz greats are gone but not forgotten.  I know Oliver is a cat; but he and I have an unconditional love for each other and have had from the first time I laid eyes on his sleek, grey tabby coat and beautiful green eyes, and he laid eyes on my bowl of food.  Love.