Buzzing Bees

Happy Thanksgiving!  It’s patch day, always my worst day so it’s good I’m staying home.  As I write this, my feet are numb with pain.  Sometimes I sit up a little too much when I’m reading and suddenly my feet feel like there are hundreds of buzzing bees  inside of them and numbing up to boot.  I am going in to see the pain doc on Tuesday, the first time since my hospitalization in September.  I hate the thought of going all the way out there, the way I am feeling.  Pam is taking me and I’m a bit worried about that, because I’m not going to be in good shape and I don’t want to be giving directions, but I’ll have to, since she doesn’t know how to get there.  I really should just take a taxi.  I may change my mind.  She needs the hours, but I need to lay as flat as I can and it’s easier in the back of a taxi.

I just got an email from a woman whose daughter has the same challenges as I do; only she’s in her early twenties.  I first heard about her when she was very young.  Her mom posted on the NF forum site.  But I stopped visiting that site because it scared and depressed me.  However, we caught up and now she has a Caringbridge site, which is how I keep up with what is happening with her.  As bad as it is for me, and it IS pretty bad most of the time, when I hear about young people having pain issues as bad as mine it makes me so sad, so angry.

That’s when I start to question the existence of G-d.  Why would a loving G-d do that to us?  The answer is He wouldn’t.  Not the way we describe Him.  We always have an answer for that one.  We’re being tested, it’s not G-d but the devil, we did something in another life and it’s coming back to bite us.  It’s endless.  And despair is unacceptable because it flies in the face of the faithful, or the people who think they are.  But faith isn’t about books, whether it’s the Bible, the Torah, the Quran….it’s all the same.  Every single war has been, in the end, about religion.  And religion is NOT the same as faith.  Not by a longshot.

Anyway, this Thanksgiving be sure to give thanks (do it every day….really) for your health if it’s good and never for a moment take it for granted.  Just like everything else in life, it’s fleeting and could turn like that (fingers snapping). But do take advantage of legs that can walk, run and jump, arms that can lift and hug, toes that can wiggle, fingers that can write, and point, eyes that can see, ears that can hear and all the rest of it.  Use it.  Enjoy it.  If you believe in G-d, give thanks for it.  Pray, if you want, to always have it, but try not to feel cheated if you lose it.  And remember your prayers are probably answered.  They just aren’t always the answers you wanted.