Monday, October 20, 2014
I still feel you all around me; counseling, loving, sharing sage wisdom learned in the World to Come. I am in increased pain and my left ear has started to bother me relentlessly. Before, it would come and go. Now it has planted roots, like the rest of the tumors. I feel helpless to the invasion and when I let it, I worry about that which is not in my control. But what I seldom feel anymore is fear. I am taken at how much at peace I feel through the pain. Am I truly surrendering? And is surrendering the same as giving up? Throwing in the towel, as it were?
More and more: memories are starting to surface. Things done several years ago; like being able to go out for a bite to eat with family, or memories from many years ago, with friend whom I don’t even know are a live anymore. They come in flashes with a sign that reads “don’t forget this or that” I won’t. I promise. I miss it. I miss it all. I still wonder where old loves turned up. Like Michael Neal, whom I never managed to find. But his name is common. And I doubt I ever crossed his mind in the 30 (gasp) years since I saw him leave town with a pregnant girlfriend he neglected to tell he had. We were young. He was truly confused. And much to my chagrin, I actually liked Joy. He knew I was sick and he was perhaps the ONLY man I had met where it didn’t seem to matter to him. And poof, he was gone.
What would I have done differently if I could have a do over? I’d be braver. I’d push through the learning disabilities, the physical challenges and romantic shutdown. I do believe I reincarnated too damn soon after the Holocaust; and yes, I’ve had a spontaneous past life experience of dying the gas chamber. Completely spontaneous; no recent thoughts of the Holocaust. And two other past life experiences not related to it. But those were much earlier. This was the forties, early fifties. That world always had a draw on me.
Oh, and I’m working hard on appreciation. I’m keeping a list of things that I’m grateful for. It’s long, and continuing to grow. I seem to be able to tolerate the pain better when doing this. Huh.
Posted by Sherri at 9:13 AM