Appreciation

That book I’ve been reading “Beyond the Ashes” continues to amaze.  One of the things the author discusses is “Survival through one’s Descendants” and how (in its teachings) if you don’t have a descendant, you die both literally and spiritually.  This is considered a “bad” thing, a liking to spiritual suicide.   But I chose not to have kids because of my NF, and although I know it’s a book on spirituality and should not be taken literally, it got a smile out of me.  I do not want to come back, as I’ve stated again and again.  And again.  LOL.  Each to his own, I guess.

Anyway, it occurred to me that perhaps the reason I am experiencing such spikes in pain and such feelings of ending my life or just praying that it be so, that those feelings are profoundly ungrateful for the life that I DO have.  And there is plenty to be grateful for.  So I’m working on that.  All the time.  And the amazing thing?  The MINUTE that thought popped into my head, the pain seemed to drain a bit.  I actually felt my legs letting go of the pain.  I must keep working at it, of course, but it’s just one more tool in my toolbox of ways to survive.  An attitude of gratitude is hard to maintain sometimes, especially when the pain is off the flow chart.

At any rate, I am thankful for the following (no particular order; just as they pop in my head) and whether or not I still have/can do them:

A roof over my head, food in my belly (when I eat), access to medication, friends, family, heat in the winter, disability benefits, people to help me during the week, Internet access, books from the library, my blog, people I’ve met online who also deal with pain, people online who have NF, having had my dad for 61 years (my lifetime…he lived to 90) having had the chance to mend my relationship with him years ago, my helpers on the other side who have been surrounding me with a lot of love since my dad died (and who are always there when I call for them), having access to a healer/acupuncturist who has made my life a lot easier, a wonderful therapist, a beautiful view out my window and balcony, hummingbirds who I watch enjoy the sugar water I make for them,  I’m thankful for the stars in the sky (even though I no longer see them…I know they are there), the sun, the plants and animals (which I can no longer have, but love dearly), dark chocolate, books, books and more books, a good spooky movie, a good comedy, all the places I was able to visit before my illness took over, the wild times I had back then, the men I loved, the ones who may have even loved me, the wonderful people who have stood by me all this time, my ears, my ears, my legs that can still walk in spite of the pain and the numbness, hands and fingers which still work, though not as well but hey, they work, ginger cookies, shortbread cookie with chocolate on top, funny stories told by friends around good food, same for family, looking up and suddenly seen something surprising….like soap bubbles floating up from somewhere secret, my laptop which gives me access to the world, smells I can still smell and enjoy, sights I see through photographs, old photographs of my extended family especially in black and white, hand-holding, back washing, swing-sets and monkey bars, ice-cream, sour candy, jig-saw puzzles, Halloween, prayers of thanks, any/all prayers, faith, emails and surprise visits from family and friends, essential oils, ordering things online so I don’t have to go anywhere to get it, pharmacy delivery (new!!!),  snowcapped mountains, thunderstorms, rainbows, honey crisp apples, an appetite, flying dreams (and others), singing to myself, songs from the 50’s and 60’s, my mother singing 50’s songs to me when I was a kid, eyelash kisses, dark chocolate ice cream bars, National Geographic photos, catching the anger before the outburst (and stopping it), leftovers, ripe pomegranates, cupcakes with buttercream frosting,  cherry lollipops, cats and dogs, eaglets and eagles, actually, all animals on the planet, all the wonders of the world (including reproduction of all species), rare days of being pain-free, videos of animals, hearing about the travel of friends, getting in touch with my higher self and being able to reduce my own pain, my spirit guides, G-d, G-d and G-d….my list will continue, though not here.   I urge you to make your own!