Sometimes

Sometimes the pain is so bad I do nothing but pray for death.

Sometimes it’s just loud background noise and I give a prayer of thanks.

Sometimes I fear the direction this is going and how much longer can hang on.

Sometimes I let go and let G-d, giving my worries to Him.

Sometimes I sink in my isolation from the world, knowing how far I have gone

Sometimes my isolation gives comfort and solace and the abyss is far afield.

Sometimes the panic is breaking down every door in my home and body

Sometimes peace comforts me and lulls me in the Now.

Sometimes the thought of eating anything makes me sick and that scares me

Sometimes when the pain is tamed, I can eat and eat and eat.

Sometimes I’m so angry at everything and everyone my body tenses to steel.

Sometimes prayers and peace shoo the anger away and love steps in.

Sometimes I can almost watch the tumors growing and my tears flow with them.

Sometimes I lay still remember to practice being grateful.

Sometimes I am jealous of good health as cabin fever chokes my breath away.

Sometimes I remember that while not perfect, I do have access to healthcare.

Sometimes the devil takes hold and laughs as my NF brings me to my knees.

Sometimes I see him and call on G-d to help me deal with my challenges.

And He does.  One way or another, not always recognizable, He does.  I just need to look with better eyes, hear with better ears, and feel with a better heart.

Sometimes my head is empty of words to put down.

Sometimes I write anyway.

Sometimes I don’t.