Wait A Day

I was ready to post a different piece but it was so angry, so hopeless and so over the top I dumped it.  Of course, it took talking to someone to get through it, though I didn’t mention what I wrote.  I just spoke of how I’ve been feeling, how bad the pain is and what am I supposed to be getting from this visit to Earth.  And I wrote of wanting to die (again).  That’s why I write and wait.  At least a day, sometimes more.  And sometimes I post the heavy ones anyway, as you know.  With all the bad news in the world (which I get addicted to reading) it just makes the pain that much worse.  But enough.  You get the drift.

So the small voice that I wrote about a couple days ago has been hard to hear lately, but after my talk with my friend, it has become audible again.  And I’ve been wrestling once again with the questions that plague me.  Today I was thinking about G-d and the Devil.  Is it G-d who wants me to learn something   through the experience of physical pain, and does it hurt Him to see me in such a state?  Does He feel relief when I accept it through techniques I have taught myself?  Could it be that this pain is coming from the Devil, and He is watching with drunken glee when I cry out for relief, even if it’s only to the stars and not to G-d?  Or is the Devil mad when I ask for G-d’s help?  And is He mad when I calm myself and accept the pain without complaint?  Okay, that last part doesn’t happen often…only when the pain is at about a “5” do I not complain.

Forgetting about the rest of the planet and all its ills for a moment, I must ask myself this question because I am terrified of how much longer I must endure and it helps to consider these things. 

I know I must finish what I started back in 1953, the year I was born.  Whether I asked for this, or was just given it, or whether it was nothing at all but one big crap shoot, I must finish it.  The only real choice I have is to go out with dignity, or kicking and screaming at the stars to see if they move.  Right now, with the pain where it is, the latter seems unavoidable.  But I hate being a foregone conclusion so I’ll fight the kicking and screaming with a different kind of kicking and screaming.  For now.  And hopefully, until it really truly is my time.