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Monday, July 14, 2014

Dear G-d

Dear G-d,

I know you are overwhelmed with heartbreak over what has become of humanity, if indeed I can use that word.  This, I know, is not what it means to be humane.  The horrors that happen in every corner of the globe, every single day  here on Earth, make my own horrific pain ordeal pale in comparison.  It doesn’t feel like it when the pain from the tumors is beyond description; when I can hardly breathe, it hurts so much.  I watch the tumors pushing up against my legs, growing, hurting and causing untold pain. But I am far from alone, though I take little comfort in knowing the whole world suffers. 

I know you don’t negotiate, though I’ve tried that tactic for years: take me Home, or take the pain; I’ve even offered to take MORE pain so others suffer less if only I could go HOME soon after.  Surprise, surprise, it doesn’t work.  When I pray for others it is sincere and from the heart; no strings, just hope and prayer.  But still,  I want it to be over and I wish never to return.  But I guess that’s asking too much, or I haven’t learned what I came here to learn (if that’s what happens) OR, there is nothing and when this is over I won’t remember it because “I” won’t be here.  After all, we are only stardust.  To quote Joni Mitchell, “We are stardust, we are golden, and we’ve got to find our way back to the garden” Good luck with that.

My heart flutters all the time now.  Probably the drugs.  I don’t want to tell my doc because he’ll decrease the dosage and the dosage I’m on doesn’t touch it.  I guess I could try that myself.  Take myself off, go into major withdrawal, and die from the pain of it.  I wish to hell I didn’t think that was cheating. 

Help me, Dear G-d.  Help me complete my task here.  Help me from being afraid.  Help me to let go of anger, confusion, fear of the unknown, fear of living, fear of dying, fear of the pain and even fear of being released from it.  How could that be?  But it can. It is, and it’s confusing.   I can’t be healed because I’m afraid of what might be expected of me if I am.  There. I’ve said it.  Who am I now?  Who would I be if I were healed?   I have a fantasy about being able to heal others.  That is what I would do, if healed.  If G-d would give me that gift, I would find a way to use it.  I twist my mind in knots thinking about the “how” of it.  That’s insane.  I twist myself in knots worrying about the pain and where it will eventually take me.  That, I can understand though I work on letting worry go.  But worrying about how I would carry out a blessing that hasn’t and most likely won’t, happen?  Crazy.

I need to live totally outside my body in order to survive.  All. The. Time.  And it’s just not possible. I need to take myself away, and I need to stay away, in order not to think about taking my life.  People who are in pain but have an “expiration date” (and I know we all do, but I’m talking about KNOWING what it is) might be able to deal with the pain, or at least have it managed better.  Not so with people who are NOT dying but are living in agony.

I’m having a hard time accepting that I requested this life.  Maybe the fact that I’m having a hard time accepting it means I haven’t learned it yet.  Damn.



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