Wait A Day

I was ready to post a different piece but it was so angry, so hopeless and so over the top I dumped it.  Of course, it took talking to someone to get through it, though I didn’t mention what I wrote.  I just spoke of how I’ve been feeling, how bad the pain is and what am I supposed to be getting from this visit to Earth.  And I wrote of wanting to die (again).  That’s why I write and wait.  At least a day, sometimes more.  And sometimes I post the heavy ones anyway, as you know.  With all the bad news in the world (which I get addicted to reading) it just makes the pain that much worse.  But enough.  You get the drift.

So the small voice that I wrote about a couple days ago has been hard to hear lately, but after my talk with my friend, it has become audible again.  And I’ve been wrestling once again with the questions that plague me.  Today I was thinking about G-d and the Devil.  Is it G-d who wants me to learn something   through the experience of physical pain, and does it hurt Him to see me in such a state?  Does He feel relief when I accept it through techniques I have taught myself?  Could it be that this pain is coming from the Devil, and He is watching with drunken glee when I cry out for relief, even if it’s only to the stars and not to G-d?  Or is the Devil mad when I ask for G-d’s help?  And is He mad when I calm myself and accept the pain without complaint?  Okay, that last part doesn’t happen often…only when the pain is at about a “5” do I not complain.

Forgetting about the rest of the planet and all its ills for a moment, I must ask myself this question because I am terrified of how much longer I must endure and it helps to consider these things. 

I know I must finish what I started back in 1953, the year I was born.  Whether I asked for this, or was just given it, or whether it was nothing at all but one big crap shoot, I must finish it.  The only real choice I have is to go out with dignity, or kicking and screaming at the stars to see if they move.  Right now, with the pain where it is, the latter seems unavoidable.  But I hate being a foregone conclusion so I’ll fight the kicking and screaming with a different kind of kicking and screaming.  For now.  And hopefully, until it really truly is my time.

Dear G-d

Dear G-d,

I know you are overwhelmed with heartbreak over what has become of humanity, if indeed I can use that word.  This, I know, is not what it means to be humane.  The horrors that happen in every corner of the globe, every single day  here on Earth, make my own horrific pain ordeal pale in comparison.  It doesn’t feel like it when the pain from the tumors is beyond description; when I can hardly breathe, it hurts so much.  I watch the tumors pushing up against my legs, growing, hurting and causing untold pain. But I am far from alone, though I take little comfort in knowing the whole world suffers. 

I know you don’t negotiate, though I’ve tried that tactic for years: take me Home, or take the pain; I’ve even offered to take MORE pain so others suffer less if only I could go HOME soon after.  Surprise, surprise, it doesn’t work.  When I pray for others it is sincere and from the heart; no strings, just hope and prayer.  But still,  I want it to be over and I wish never to return.  But I guess that’s asking too much, or I haven’t learned what I came here to learn (if that’s what happens) OR, there is nothing and when this is over I won’t remember it because “I” won’t be here.  After all, we are only stardust.  To quote Joni Mitchell, “We are stardust, we are golden, and we’ve got to find our way back to the garden” Good luck with that.

My heart flutters all the time now.  Probably the drugs.  I don’t want to tell my doc because he’ll decrease the dosage and the dosage I’m on doesn’t touch it.  I guess I could try that myself.  Take myself off, go into major withdrawal, and die from the pain of it.  I wish to hell I didn’t think that was cheating. 

Help me, Dear G-d.  Help me complete my task here.  Help me from being afraid.  Help me to let go of anger, confusion, fear of the unknown, fear of living, fear of dying, fear of the pain and even fear of being released from it.  How could that be?  But it can. It is, and it’s confusing.   I can’t be healed because I’m afraid of what might be expected of me if I am.  There. I’ve said it.  Who am I now?  Who would I be if I were healed?   I have a fantasy about being able to heal others.  That is what I would do, if healed.  If G-d would give me that gift, I would find a way to use it.  I twist my mind in knots thinking about the “how” of it.  That’s insane.  I twist myself in knots worrying about the pain and where it will eventually take me.  That, I can understand though I work on letting worry go.  But worrying about how I would carry out a blessing that hasn’t and most likely won’t, happen?  Crazy.

I need to live totally outside my body in order to survive.  All. The. Time.  And it’s just not possible. I need to take myself away, and I need to stay away, in order not to think about taking my life.  People who are in pain but have an “expiration date” (and I know we all do, but I’m talking about KNOWING what it is) might be able to deal with the pain, or at least have it managed better.  Not so with people who are NOT dying but are living in agony.

I’m having a hard time accepting that I requested this life.  Maybe the fact that I’m having a hard time accepting it means I haven’t learned it yet.  Damn.

Just Stuff 2

My generous family bought me an air mattress to replace my 30 year old regular one….haven’t slept well for over a year and even with the soft topper, I feel the tumors and keep waking up.  The first night I slept uninterrupted for six hours straight.  And dozed for two more.

Of course the next night was back to not sleeping.  I do need memory foam on top of the air mattress so I’m ordering some from Amazon.

I’ve been giving a great deal of thought to these dang tumors. I just turned 61, which means I have lived 222,075 days so far (adding in the days since the 23^rd).  I don’t know how that translates into per-diem tumor growth because I doubt that they grow every day.  But they are growing now, and a whole lot faster than before.  And how many days have I left?  Who knows.

Pain is tormenting me lately. I don’t seem to have any good days anymore. And the distractions are not working; I’m out of books and videos for another two weeks until the Library on Wheels comes back.  I got gift cards for Barnes and Noble for my birthday  but I can’t get there and when I go online, I can’t find anything I want or if I do, I think, gee, I could just get that out of the library.  Hopeless.  I’m hopeless.

M help took a couple days off and they sent me a replacement but only for a few hours on Friday and an hour on Monday.   Took all my energy explaining where things are, how things have to be done, etc.   I need to go to the store but likely won’t get there for five more days.  I see my pain doc on Tuesday so she isn’t coming that day either.  My brother is taking me.  They can’t take me because it’s in a different county.  Frigging rules drive me nuts.

I’m really freaked about this appointment.

Preordained Free Will

I was thinking today about all the things that can feel out of our control.   If we fall in love.  Who we fall in life with.  What we choose to do in life (or if it chooses us).  Whether or not we are healthy.  If and what and when we eat.  And so often we are tempted or challenged by things we can’t even identify.  But the one thing we can do, the only thing we can do, is choose how to respond to the situations or temptations that present themselves.  When the pain is overwhelming as it is has been, I can writhe and wither in its clutches or I can choose to be the one in charge.  In pain, still, but in charge.  Doesn’t seem possible, does it?  If I use all the things I have learned (like meditation, “journeys” through drumming, prayer, etc.) my perception of the pain changes.  It becomes more tolerable, less intense.  Not for long of course; I must keep at it every minute of every day and that just isn’t possible.  But I can get relief longer if I am aware of it as much as possible.   So I am constantly pulling myself back from the abyss.  Unless I’m on the pity potty.  And as you know from some of my entries here, I’m no stranger to it.

You see, I am beginning to think that although I believe we have free will, every single decision we make, every breath we take, every blink, every yes or no was decided before we got here.  That sounds like it’s all preordained, but really it’s not.  Not if we were the ones who made those choices before coming into consciousness.  So “we” made those decisions, just not here. But can you make choices without consciousness?  At least consciousness as we know it?  Choices we now have to live out, here on Earth? So maybe, in the end, that fight to survive or to die was made a long time ago.  From wherever it is we came from, wherever it is we will go.  I mean, what’s beyond the known Universe?  A brick wall?  And if so, what’s behind the brick wall?  It’s mind boggling.  The more I watch and read on the Universe, the more I’m convinced there must be a higher power of some sort at the controls.  I think I was counseled on what I came here to learn and agreed to the life I now have.  I just don’t know exactly what it is I’m supposed to learn from living a life of physical pain.

My challenges seem small compared with the rest of the planet.  As I always say, having a roof over my head, food in my belly, access to the medication I need, friends and family…I am indeed lucky.  I freak out, thinking I could, at any moment, lose all that.  Which is why staying in the moment is so essential.

Please, someone email me and remind me of this when I’m off the rails!!!