Unbidden

It comes to me unbidden, during the light of day or the dark of night, coaxing my attention away from the endless distractions I have deigned useful but are usually no more helpful then the endless pain killers which kill nothing but my spirit.  The acupuncture helps with some of the other issues, as does the meditation, but not the pain.  Seldom the pain.  One good day in four weeks.  And by good, I mean a 6 on the 1-10 pain scale and by “day” I mean a handful of blessed hours where I can think, eat and feel something woefully unfamiliar to me: happy.  That feeling was so short lived on my “good” day, by the time I figured out what it was, it was gone.  I am not being poetic.  I mean it literally.  Gone in the heartbeat it rode in on, gone for who knows how long, gone until next time, if there is one.

It IS getting worse, no two ways about it.  I can stare at my legs and see the tumors throbbing, hurting and probably growing before my tearless eyes.  My chest is so full of tumors I’m not bothering with my overdue mammogram, even though I am a breast cancer survivor.  What is the point?  I’m so thin I don’t really have enough breast tissue and those things hurt the average woman with no tumors.  Me?  Another agony to contend with.  Well aren’t I upbeat today!  But what’s the point in sharing my story if I’m not honest.

When I read about how “brave” someone is when contending with an illness I wonder how long the person has been sick, how long they have to live and whether or not they are dealing with neurological pain, the hardest to treat.  Of course, like me, people tend to put on brave faces when they can.  Complaining constantly, like I am now, only drives people away.

And I’m not sure my very young, very active and very annoying cat is making my life harder or filling it with pleasure.  Mostly, I think about giving him away so I guess it’s the former.  I love him but don’t have the energy for his antics, which now include running away when I open the front door.  He comes back and I want him to because if I do give him up, I want to know it’s to a good home, not the world at large.

I guess I’m not feeling very philosophical or brave at the moment.