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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Gnats Included

One of the most difficult parts of my condition is not having any control over being able to get up, get out, and get things done.  I realize the “control” over our lives is primarily an illusion (we plan, G-d laughs) but I need that illusion sometimes.  And right now, I am completely out of control.  Vinnie needs different food (won’t eat what I have) and I need COOKIES.  It’s an emergency for heaven’s sake!!  LOL. 

What it has taken me years to learn, is the differences between needs and wants, right now or can wait, and planning.  I’ve never been good at planning and it’s still a struggle to make lists, see what I have on hand and what I actually need (I try and have my helpers keep me apprised of household items since they are the ones who use them) as opposed to what I just want.  And everyone knows that immediate gratification takes too darn long!

Having what you want is one thing.  Wanting what you have is a completely different ballgame because it includes wanting the gnats.  And my gnats are rather large.

Today the pain is a bit better.  The past few weeks have been horrific; I’ve kept track.  The last five patch changes (15 days) I’ve had almost no relief at all.  The pain has sustained at about a 7; higher at night.  I cry and pray most nights.   I hate asking for things for myself, but I’ve been wanting (of course) to be pain free or free of my body and G-d isn’t responding to either request.  Guess there is more for me to learn.  Darn.  The only thing I’m learning about these days is eagles on that Decorah Eagle site.  It is fascinating and it does get me out of my head and my body, so that’s good, right?

Today I see the GI person, though they couldn't get me in with a doc…nurse only.  But I have some concerns and I don’t know if the problem emerged due to the yeast infection or if it’s something new and different.  I had a colonoscopy about three or four years ago; I don’t think it’s serious but I just want to be sure.  And I wanted to get in right away so unfortunately, the appointment time is when I don’t have help.  The good news is that the office is about two miles from me so I should be okay.  If I’m in too much pain to drive, I’ll call a taxi.  

Whatever the problem is, whatever new problems come up, I want to know about them.  But I will not be treating anything serious.

Dad sounds better but I know he’s struggling too.  He is a fighter though…guess that’s where I get it, huh?

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