One of the most difficult parts of my condition is not
having any control over being able to get up, get out, and get things
done. I realize the “control” over our
lives is primarily an illusion (we plan, G-d laughs) but I need that illusion
sometimes. And right now, I am
completely out of control. Vinnie needs
different food (won’t eat what I have) and I need COOKIES. It’s an emergency for heaven’s sake!! LOL.
What it has taken me years to learn, is the differences between needs and wants, right now or can wait, and planning. I’ve never been good at planning and it’s
still a struggle to make lists, see what I have on hand and what I actually
need (I try and have my helpers keep me apprised of household items since they
are the ones who use them) as opposed to what I just want. And everyone knows that immediate
gratification takes too darn long!
Having what you want is one thing. Wanting what you have is a completely
different ballgame because it includes wanting the gnats. And my gnats are rather large.
Today the pain is a bit better. The past few weeks have been horrific; I’ve
kept track. The last five patch changes
(15 days) I’ve had almost no relief at all.
The pain has sustained at about a 7; higher at night. I cry and pray most nights. I hate asking for things for myself, but I’ve
been wanting (of course) to be pain free or free of my body and G-d isn’t responding to
either request. Guess there is more for
me to learn. Darn. The only thing I’m learning
about these days is eagles on that Decorah Eagle site. It is fascinating and it does get me out of
my head and my body, so that’s good, right?
Today I see the GI person, though they couldn't get me in
with a doc…nurse only. But I have some
concerns and I don’t know if the problem emerged due to the yeast infection or
if it’s something new and different. I
had a colonoscopy about three or four years ago; I don’t think it’s serious but
I just want to be sure. And I wanted to
get in right away so unfortunately, the appointment time is when I don’t have
help. The good news is that the office
is about two miles from me so I should be okay.
If I’m in too much pain to drive, I’ll call a taxi.
Whatever the problem is, whatever new problems come up, I want to know about them. But I will not be treating anything serious.
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