Push

The tumors in my left leg are killing me.  I had at least two things I wanted to get done today but had to ax both of them.  I hope tomorrow is better because I actually have four things that need to get done and I was going for two in a day….last week I had something every day of the week.  This week….moving is not going to happen.  That’s what happens if I push too hard, like I did last week.

Vinnie, my kitty from…not sure where, is getting into everything now that he’s feeling his new “home” is safe to explore.  He was sitting in the fireplace this morning.  Luckily, I haven’t had any fires so far this season so it’s clean.  Just what I need; ash paw prints everywhere.

I’m thinking of calling my pain doc to get the name of a surgeon he had told me about a while back.  I just HATE having to see doctors, especially new ones that don’t know anything about me or my limitations due to the pain.  They just don’t get that I can’t sit for 30 minutes waiting for them to call me.   And getting there is always a challenge because my helpers can’t take me because it’s in a different county.  I’m on the border and they can’t cross over.  Some will do it anyway and report the miles but not that it was out of county.  These two won’t do that.

Wednesday:  made it to two stores, sent Hamid, my helper, to get my meds.  It’s pathetic, really.  My life feels pathetically worthless sometimes.  When I’m deep in the abyss, like I am now, I feel nothing but contempt for this world and my being in it.  It’s very hard to stay focused and positive when all my available energy goes to dealing with the pain.  Overcoming, ignoring, praying, meditating…

And the list goes while the fist goes up as I shake it at the stars that won’t move, not for me, not for anyone, not even for themselves.

I’ve been wondering about something a lot lately.  I doze on and off during the day; not sleeping but going unconscious for a few seconds or a few minutes at most.  Sometimes my brain is aware that I’ve slipped away and it becomes an out of body experience.  Everything is different for those few minutes and when I come out of it, it’s not like waking from sleep.  It’s like coming back from somewhere else.  Somewhere I can’t stay.  Not yet, anyway.  I used to have lucid dreams all the time.  Before the pills so if anyone thinks my experiences with the dead and with lucid dreaming aren’t real because of the drugs, remember it’s the drugs that killed the ability.  I never took so much as an aspirin during those years.  Maybe the skill is trying to make a comeback.

If you’re breathing, you have to keep pushing.  Those are the rules.  Damn.

Control

Control.  We all want it or think we have it.  But in reality, the only control we have is how much orange juice to pour into our glass.  And maybe not even that, given the butterfly effect.  Sigh.

I was thinking of this because while in mind-numbing pain of late, my brain goes in many directions or sometimes, in one.  And lately I have been obsessing about that case I mentioned in the post below.  No names needed.  Anyway, I was thinking about the child’s mother, and how overwhelmed she must be (to say it lightly) with everyone from lawyers to doctors to the press and the public in general.  I do not envy her her situation.  But mostly, I do not envy her for the terrible blow that has landed on her poor soul.

And I ask myself this question.  Has anyone in her life ever taken her aside, shut all doors and just ask her to tell her/him about her daughter?   No mention of tonsils, illness, hospitals, lawyers or anything that led to this horror.   Just talk with her about her beautiful daughter with the infectious smile.   Omit nothing, Have her share everything she meant to her, still means and what she had planned for herself.  Let her talk herself blue in the face, but interrupt any mention of the issues that have grabbed on and won’t let go. 

Because in the opinion, and it is only that, comes from someone that, like most people on this planet, knows deep grief of her own, though not the loss of a child,.   For me, grieving could not begin until the clouds parted and I saw my life for what it is.   Filled with intractable, non-stop physical pain as well as tons of love .For her, she must begin to see that her daughter has most likely moved on.  If not, and if you believe in such things, she too is grieving.  For her mom.   But this should not be mentioned.  No guiling, no lecturing, no comparing who is right and who is wrong (because we do not know and I doubt we will ever know much of anything though we think we do) and no talk of anything except her daughter.  The one she will love for the rest of her life.  She also has another daughter who needs her.  I cannot begin to imagine what she must be feeling.  But part of it might be some serious questions.

There was this great line toward the end of that movie “Phenomenon” with John Travolta.  He had this experience that everyone thought meant he was visited by something from outside our solar system.  In truth, he had a tumor that caused the change in him.  He of course, fell in love, and just before he died he asked the woman if she would love him for the rest of his life.  “No,” she replied “I’ll love you for the rest of mine”

Grace

Oh man, the pain has been so out of this world I can hardly breathe.  I think that losing Oliver is still hitting me over the head and hard.  I love Vinnie and he is the sweetest cat ever with lots of kitty still in him.  And I do think Oliver sent him to me but I am frightened now of the level of pain and whether I can deal with him long term.  Right now he is eating me out of house and home.    I just thought Oliver would want me to rescue another cat, like I rescued him.  And like we rescued each other.  I just thought Oliver would want me to rescue another cat, like I rescued him.  And like we rescued each other.

I’ve been thinking about all my challenges and how the worse it gets, the more opportunity to grow spiritually and show grace and dignity.  I’m at about 30% in the grace and dignity department.    And my computer is going haywire…having a hard time writing this.  Yet another opportunity!   I do not now, nor I have ever thought I had more or harder challenges than anyone else.  I am lucky in so many respects I feel ashamed to complain at all.  And yet.  But whether the challenge is ours, personally, or whether it involves a loved one, it’s all the same.  Rising to the occasion.  I just want to rise out of here sometimes!

I have been following that story about the young girl who died (brain dead) after surgery.  I had not understood the difference between coma and brain dead until now.  That poor child is not coming back to this world from what I understand about it now.   Her mother can’t let her go and removed her from the hospital (legal battles will continue I am sure) and found a place through a lawyer (of course) who took her.  Feeding tube, breathing tube, dead body.  The brain is what tells the body what to do…apparently; in addition to telling me to breathe it tells me to grow tumors.  But I digress.

I feel for her mom, I really do.  And what do we know, really, about what is to come?  Nothing.  We know nothing.  I read that her case will not set a precedent; they released her on the condition that it read they were releasing a corpse.  This is so sad it hurts me to read and write about it.   I do so because again, our challenges are for us.  That little girl is done with her challenges on Earth.  Her mother is not.  I pray she can let her daughter go.  She will have to, and soon.  I just want her to be at peace.

And Here Comes....Vinnie!

Just a short hello from the guy Oliver sent to me....his name is Vinnie and he's exploring and yelling and eating and playing and even got into my lap long enough for me to snap this picture.   He loves catnip (and I'm almost out) and he discovered the hummingbirds.  He has a strange vocalization....like a smoker.  Gravel.

Oliver is still by my side....helping me help the two year old Vinnie.  Oh, they estimate his DOB to be /January 4, 2012 so he just turned two...of course, that's a guesstiment.

I really needed this heartbeat.   And I was mourning Oliver for a long time before he passed.  He has helped me through so much.   Vinnie is about to knock over a lamp.  What have I done!!!!!

lol

Vinnie

Truth be told, I’d been preparing myself mentally for Oliver’s passing for a long time….at least a couple of months.  I felt it in my bones.  While he ate normally, he slept more and was rail thin, kind of like me.  The more he ate, the more he seemed to lose.  And he groomed himself non-stop, though I will never know why.  I write this because a woman who works for a shelter was in touch with me about a cat I was interested in.  The cat was being fostered, and the rules around that are even stranger than the rules around adoption, which I’ll explain.  At any rate, I explained about my mobility limitations without drama or any mention of NF.

I know how selfish this must sound; being ill and needing help I probably shouldn't adopt another animal....I actually told myself Oliver would be the last.....I just loved him so much and feel I still have it to give another abandoned kitty.

 Of course she didn’t understand when I said pain made it hard for me to travel.  I requested that she email pictures of cats that meet my qualifications, and when there was a fit, perhaps instead of taking me there (which they have to do; you can’t just go to someone’s home who is fostering…you must be escorted) that she bring the cat to me and I’d pay cash.  But she shot it down because they have to see if we bond.  I understand that.  Should bring super glue with me next time.  Anyway, she told me I “wasn’t done grieving” and I just thanked her and let it go.

So a good email friend of mine named Carolyn reminded me that I had been grieving for months and his death was the end of most of that grief.  Except of course, for the emptiness.  Cat lady couldn’t have known that, although to her credit, she visited my blog because it’s at the bottom of my email.  I never mentioned it to her.  We agreed to wait, though I just kept on looking and today, visiting, potential matches.  It’s like dating.  Anyway, it would require too much energy to explain and no need, and I don’t want to be on a soapbox.  She was doing what she thought was right, and she was doing her job well and I respect that.  She was just wrong about me.  But that’s okay; I can’t let those things upset me, especially when I’m in the kind of pain I’ve been in recently.  Today was awful, pain wise.

However, friend- wise and cat wise it was a pretty good day!  A friend called to say today was “Kitty Day” and she was coming over to schlep me to the shelter!  She had promised that the day Oliver passed, but I must have forgotten.  And she is the one who brought me a big stuffed bear; another friend brought me a cute stuffed kitty.  I am blessed.

So she comes over, we go there and I had a few cats in mind that I so online  None of those were available for some reason, but suddenly I saw this adorable black and white cat who was a little young (2) and not quite ready for adoption.  He’s being fixed on Monday and will be available Tuesday.  But here’s the thing.  I could fill out the paperwork, but not put a hold on Vinnie (his name).  You can’t do that until they are deemed “adoptable” which should be Tuesday.  But I have to get back there and spend time bonding with him before I can either adopt him or put him on hold for 24 hours.  I explained my mobility issues but it doesn’t matter.

My problem is their hours.  They open at 11 and you have to have the adoption done by 3:30 because they close at 4.   My helpers leave at 12 (well, Tuesday and Thursday I have until 1 but technically, they aren’t supposed to help me with my pet…don’t even ask).  And of course, my friends all work.  I got another offer for a ride from a friend of a friend, so I’m hoping that still stands and it will be a go by Tuesday or Wednesday.  But without the hold, which I can’t get until I’ve bonded with him, anyone else could pop in before me and adopt him.  It’s twisted.  They wrote that I was “interested” on his paperwork, but that means nothing.

I’m hoping for the best.  One way or another, I’ll have a cat soon, I hope.  It was hard because part of me wanted to keep looking when I heard I could not take him today.  But then I realized that if Vinnie is the one, I should do everything I can to adopt him.  No pics yet; don’t know when, I don’t own a camera.  However, my home is kitty ready….litter, food, new carrier, new litter box….I hope its Vinnie and I hope he’s happy here.  And I hope I’m doing the right thing.

I “asked” Oliver and he gave me four paws up!  I still worry I may be taking on too much.  But I need the companionship and my dad is really encouraging me to forge ahead.  He’s a wise man.

Hopefully, I’ll know more soon.  I still see Oliver around the corner and out of the corner of my eyes.  I’m waiting to find a big depression on my side of the bed where he liked to sleep (which I solved by putting pillows there) but I moved them back where pillows belong, hoping to see a glimpse of him.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am NOT replacing him    But he “told “ me to save another kitty and give him a good home.  Will do, Oliver, my special  BFF!!