A Mensch

I am in profound agony at the moment.  I had to go to the urologist today and it did me in.  My feet are killing me….like having them stuck in hot moving sand.  I talk to G-d all the time as well as my my “helpers” on the other side …those that I loved that went before me.  I’ve been lying here begging for help.  Also, I was worried about my friend Jan who has NF and who I email back and forth with.  She went into the hospital last week and five days later, I still hadn’t heard.  She finally wrote back.  She had an undiagnosed uti and kidney issues.  Like Ted, Pam and I, her experience with hospital stays aren’t good.   Richest country in the world and the healthcare is often subhuman. 

It’s Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and I will or will not be written in the Book of Life over the next eight days (its 10 total).   Written now, sealed on Yom Kippur.  Or so the story goes.  Anyway, this is the only time it’s okay to make a personal plea to G-d (for yourself).   I don’t remember the reasons around that law, but I can guess.  It’s always better, wiser, more mensch like (a mensch is a doer of good deeds….one with an open, loving heart who would rather visit the elderly than go to a movie…that kind of person) to pray for other people.  Oh sure, if you are dying and want to live, or as in my case, your living but want to die, you can ask.  Just save it for these, the 10 days of Awe, as they are called.

Well here goes: G-d,  I have been trying as hard as possible my whole life, and especially that last 15 years, to practice loving kindness, goodness and all that is right with being human.  But I fail.  I get up each morning and do my routine.  I try not to worry about the little things that come with the very big things that are wrong with me.  I try not to compare myself to others, I try to be happy for my friends who do well, I adore my nieces and nephew, my brother, sister and their spouses and of course, my dad.   My brave, strong, role model dad who deals with the pain of spinal stenos at age 89.  I’m guessing he feels like cashing in too, on occasion.  Still, he soldiers on.  Like the soldier he was in WWII.  But I have never been, nor will I ever be, such a soldier.  I am flawed beyond measure.  I have wanted out for far longer than I’m willing to admit to here, but You know.

So during these 10 days, I am praying for release from  this tyranny of the tumors.  Sorry, a bad attempt at levity.  But levity is hard to find these days.  Amen. 

Okay, got that out of my system.  Now i need to ground myself, if possible.  And trust.  Be Still and Know.