Every Breath I Take

I know I write a lot about facing my challenges with grace and dignity (well, maybe not those words, but that’s the message) but lately, I’m overwhelmed with “challenges” and feel like I hit a brick wall.  My pain meds cause horrible stomach distress and constipation that is hellacious…nothing seems to help.   A GI doctor prescribed an injection of something or other but my insurance won’t pay for it and frankly, I don’t want to do that unless it’s absolutely necessary and unfortunately, I’m approaching that time.

I know I tighten up my muscles because of the pain and I try to consciously let go as much as possible.  Plus my jaw is so out of whack, I’m sure that has something to do with it in terms of ‘holding on’  Gosh, no wonder!  I’m holding on to everything and it won’t move on, if you get my drift. How does one continue to have grace and dignity in this situation?  Breathing.  That’s part of it.  Nice slow, deep breaths.  I had this incredible system for combating the constipation but it suddenly just stopped working.  I wrote about it in one of my posts. 

And I've had "blog laziness" lately.  I think I made that up.  Maybe not.  Anyway, I've been reading until my eyes are ready to give, but not writing much.  My posts are small and don't say much of anything....all I do is complain.  Reading that memoir by Ashley Judd got me back on the "I don't contribute" roller coaster.  And roller coasters make you sick to your stomach, so maybe that's why my gastro problems are impossible.  As I write this, I am watching my very favoirte Bette Davis movie...one lots of people never even heard of because it wasn't a big movie.  "Now, Voyager" is the name.  Rent it and watch it.  I just got it out of the library today.  Great flick.

Okay, back to the issue at hand.  Here's what I think.  I think G-d is watching how I handle the millions of challenges that have been put in my path.  I am hoping that when I pass this life, I pass.   Like Sting sings:  I think that’s G-d talking to me.

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
I'll be watching you