Thursday, January 22, 2015
I’ve been thinking a lot about my surgery and what I will feel if this doesn’t relieve me of at least some of the pain. It’s my biggest fear. Not that actual surgery, but the “what if’s” when down the line, I’m healed from the surgery but the results aren’t what I hoped for. And when I doctor said “A 20 to 80% reduction in pain” I thought that 20 sounded good. But what if I don’t get even that? I have a lot of supportive people in my life, including someone whose daughter has NF and who has been telling me it will make a difference because it helped her daughter when she had pain in her arm. Bless her for telling me that!
Life is constantly throwing you off track, regardless of who we are. My washer/dryer broke last week and after the maintenance people tried six times to fix it, it’s officially toast and will take two weeks to replace. So now I have the laundromat to cope with. I found myself getting twisted in a knot about it but then realized I do have help and it will get done. And I’m trying to organize my meds so that I have all I need after the surgery so I don’t have to worry about getting them. It’s not easy, for one of them isn’t due for a refill until after the surgery. All these little things are like gnats flying in my face.
So I asked myself, what will I do if it doesn’t work? If I know that my life will continue to be what it’s been pain wise, as far into the future as I live? And it’s a challenge. Think of a big circle. I start at the abyss at one point on the circle, worried, out of control, in agony and on the pity potty, wanting nothing more or less then death. Praying for it. Trying to get those that I love who have passed to help me cross over. You know…really crazy thoughts. What stops me? A couple things. I tell myself that I am here to learn something, to grow spiritually and to be as gracious as I can with what I have been handed. And what if I tried to off myself and it doesn’t work? What if I end up in worse shape than I’m in now? What will that do to my family? My family knows how I feel and would forgive me if I were successful, but if I’m not? Heavy burden to put on them. So I try and move away from that point on the circle, and use all the skills I have to move forward, stay in the moment, and just accept whatever happens. And everything lifts for a little while. I write, watch a movie, play a game, read a book…and I feel better. But eventually, the abyss comes back around, or I go back around to it.
Yikes. The NF support group I’m involved in helps. It will end in five weeks, but we have each other’s contact numbers through Skype. And I may miss the session after my surgery. We shall see. In the meantime, I’m hanging in there, like everyone else!
Posted by Sherri at 8:04 AM