I've been bad about writing for a long time. I want to post positive, upbeat things to encourage those with the challenge of chronic, intractable pain that cannot be controlled. I've got a surgery scheduled for the end of January and I'm terrified it won't make any difference. NF is ruthless, unforgiving and beyond challenging. I struggle constantly to make sense of it; whether or not there is a G-d or if everything is just random good or bad luck. Anyway, I've been working on this stream of consciousness poem (it was stream of consciousness but I tweaked it) below:
The day will come when lights are low and all I’m breathing
in will go
Then to this world I’ll bid goodbye and hope you know I did,
I tried
I fought like mad against the pain that seared right
through, all grip all gain
I’ve often left it through my mind in search of comfort hard
to find
Precious pain-free moments heaven, pain dips down from 10 to
7
Music, oils and meditation, seeking comfort, speculation
Surgery is my last hope to find relief whatever scope
If that bid fails no option’s left, I do not meet the
standards set
for helping those in mortal pain but no “by when” date, what
a shame
A life of pain with no conclusions, no longer clutching doped
delusions
of hope that pain will end in time, to have a life out of
this bind
I know they have to draw the line on who to help but what a
crime
Left alone to make a choice, take the action, use my voice
But “what if’s” haunt as much as pain, the list is long as
is the strain
of questioning why I’m here, is there a G-d and is He near?
Or was my birth and shattered gene, just a crapshoot, not
foreseen?
If that’s the case why wait around just pack my bags and
leave this town
But if there is some truth to learn, then patiently I’ll
wait my turn?
and live in torturous, intractable pain, it’s hard to
believe this was ordained
One thing is true, for this I pray, to not return to Earth
one day
And when it’s time and lights are low, all my breathing in
will go
