Something

I have been going through something lately.  What it is, I do not know but it’s taking me places I’ve not been when lucid, or even when I’m journeying  or dreaming.   It’s like being surrounded with a quiet acceptance.  Maybe because the pain has been so outrageous, so uncontrollable that there is nothing left to do but surrender.  Maybe it’s the first step to the next level.   The level with courage.  Courage to honor my wishes and be at peace with whatever decisions I make regarding my health.  The upcoming surgery on my leg feels hopeful.  But if provides little or no relief (plus my other leg is just as bad though the tumors haven’t “appeared” yet) that leaves me with the same two options I have now.  Do I stay or do I go?   I don’t take that choice lightly.  But nothing except the endless pain that has kept me housebound for too many years to think about seems unimaginable.  And yet, there are many things for which I am grateful and thankful for.  That still isn’t lost on me.  So can’t I have both?  Thankful for the good things and unable to withstand the pain much longer.   I could still leave with joy, it need not be despair.  If I chose to be grateful and happy for all I have, I can leave with a smile.

I am not near that landmark.   Just thinking it.

And I’m in quite a bit of “pain right now.  It’s Thanksgiving, and I do give thanks for everything that I have; I have a roof over my head, food, medicine, family and friends.  My NF friends are very important to me. 

And I am going to be a part of an NF project that is supposed to teach me skills on coping.  I already to a lot, but I’m interested in hearing what they have to offer, ready to offer what I have to them.  If they are interested. 

My niece is coming over tomorrow with leftover turkey and pie, etc.  That will be nice.  Today, I’m alone with my thoughts, my Netflix, the horrible news (which I’m trying to avoid) and whatever else I can find to help me cope.  In the meantime, my sister got me hooked on “The Walking Dead” of all things.  Aside from the zombie scenes, it’s really interesting in terms of coping…thankfully, I don’t have to endure what the characters are enduring LOL.  Kind of “Lord of the Flies” like.