Something

I have been going through something lately.  What it is, I do not know but it’s taking me places I’ve not been when lucid, or even when I’m journeying  or dreaming.   It’s like being surrounded with a quiet acceptance.  Maybe because the pain has been so outrageous, so uncontrollable that there is nothing left to do but surrender.  Maybe it’s the first step to the next level.   The level with courage.  Courage to honor my wishes and be at peace with whatever decisions I make regarding my health.  The upcoming surgery on my leg feels hopeful.  But if provides little or no relief (plus my other leg is just as bad though the tumors haven’t “appeared” yet) that leaves me with the same two options I have now.  Do I stay or do I go?   I don’t take that choice lightly.  But nothing except the endless pain that has kept me housebound for too many years to think about seems unimaginable.  And yet, there are many things for which I am grateful and thankful for.  That still isn’t lost on me.  So can’t I have both?  Thankful for the good things and unable to withstand the pain much longer.   I could still leave with joy, it need not be despair.  If I chose to be grateful and happy for all I have, I can leave with a smile.

I am not near that landmark.   Just thinking it.

And I’m in quite a bit of “pain right now.  It’s Thanksgiving, and I do give thanks for everything that I have; I have a roof over my head, food, medicine, family and friends.  My NF friends are very important to me. 

And I am going to be a part of an NF project that is supposed to teach me skills on coping.  I already to a lot, but I’m interested in hearing what they have to offer, ready to offer what I have to them.  If they are interested. 

My niece is coming over tomorrow with leftover turkey and pie, etc.  That will be nice.  Today, I’m alone with my thoughts, my Netflix, the horrible news (which I’m trying to avoid) and whatever else I can find to help me cope.  In the meantime, my sister got me hooked on “The Walking Dead” of all things.  Aside from the zombie scenes, it’s really interesting in terms of coping…thankfully, I don’t have to endure what the characters are enduring LOL.  Kind of “Lord of the Flies” like.  

My Gosh

My gosh it’s been a long time since I posted.   I think I’m feeling sad that I haven’t done enough to promote my blog so others with pain related issues will see it.  Not that I’m a great writer; just so they won’t feel so alone, like I do much of the time.

I’ve had a UTI recently and it hasn’t cleared up so my doc was supposed to call in a script yesterday but the pharmacy said they never got it and now I’m waiting for someone on call to call back but they won’t fix it on a weekend.  I’m going to call them back (they said give it 30 minutes and It’s already more than that) and tell them if I have a bladder/kidney related emergency this weekend because I didn’t get the script, they’ll see me coming LOL.   Actually, there were crystals in my urine.  I know it’s bad for a cat, but my doc said it wasn’t “necessarily” bad for me (I didn’t mention cats).  But it could be a kidney thing.

So. Surgery.  It is scheduled for the end of January and I got all the questions I had answered and I have a pre op date but I’m still a little bit on the fence.  Not as much as before.  The pain has been so outrageous I just want to hang on to the olive branch the doc is offering….even a 20% decrease in the pain (20 to 80 is the averages) would be welcomed.  But I can feel them growing in my other leg too and the pain is getting bad there.  We shall see.

Other than that, I am spent.  I had an outrageous dream the other night.  In it, I was sitting behind the wheel of a car at a stop sign.   Suddenly, the passenger door opened and some strange man I’d never seen came in with a gun and held it to my head.  And in the dream, I had the clear thought “This is what you said you wanted.  This is what it looks like” (Death).  But instead, I took his face in my hands, looked him in the eye, and said “I’m sorry you had such a hard life”  He looked at me, exited the car, and as I sighed with relief he shot himself in the head.  The last thing I recall were police and paramedics everywhere.  Then I woke up.  Reminded me of that show “Medium”

The doc just called.  But I have no one to pick it up and they don’t deliver on the weekend.  Maybe they’ll make an exception since I’m so uncomfortable.