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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

What You Resist, Persists

Forgive the anger, frustration and sadness of this one, please.  I thought long and hard about actually posting it, but in the end (and again) I want others with pain issues to remember they are not alone with these feelings.  I am here, and so are many others.  I didn’t mean for that to sound like a know-it-all.  In fact, I feel quite the opposite.

A quick warning for those of you on an anti-depressant:  I was taking less than prescribed because it increased my blood pressure.  But my BP is low anyway.  I realized this morning that not taking what they prescribed probably has a lot to do with my recent feelings and inability to cope well with the loss of my dad on top of my pain.   So I am now on the right amount.  We shall see!

I’m having a hard time letting go anger about my pain, about my life’s limitations and about all I’ve lost.  I feel shame at not being stronger, less complaining, less angry.  I try, but between the physical pain and my GI problems, I no longer have the energy to fight it the way I have been.  Fighting, resisting, doing everything but accepting it.  And I know that my solution to my problems, the fighting, is the problem.  I tell myself to surrender, but the pain is so intense sometimes surrendering is the last thing that comes to mind, even with reminders taped to my walls which read simply “Surrender”.  Surrender to the pain!?  Not a chance!  I want to fight it…I want to win.  But I lose every time I try and fight it.  Emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I’m on some obscene carousal ride for which I can’t exit.  All the horses and seats are scary, dark twisted images. I know there is a lesson in this.

I do believe all the people I loved dearly who are departed watch over me.  I believe that praying for death isn’t the answer.  And I know that’s not what surrenders means.  The conundrum, is that when it gets this bad, I’m not sure there is anyone, G-d or otherwise, to surrender to.  So I’m left with surrendering to the pain, which feels like quitting.  Stupid, eh?  What’s that saying?  The definition of sanity?  Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  So I guess on top of everything else, I’m insane.  Good to know.

I know it saddens those who have loved me, alive and dead, that I am going through this hell with no foreseeable end.  I feel like a wuss complaining about it… I feel like I have to put on a happy face no matter what, because otherwise, I am not brave.  I don’t feel like that’s what everyone expects of me; it’s what I expect from myself.

Whenever someone I know passes, I am insanely jealous of them.  Pathetic.  The loss of my father has definitely exasperated the pain and GI issues.  Not talking to him every day hurts as much as my physical pain sometimes.   And even when I do manage to distract myself for a short while, it comes back with a vengeance.  It’s on a mission of misery and I am now at a loss about how to cope.  It crops up unexpectedly, just like they tell you.  I’ll read about a book or movie and think “I’ve got to tell dad about this one.”   It only takes a second to remember, and then the sadness and pain come roaring back like the planes from the Boeing plant that’s nearby.  So yeah, that has added to the pain.  Part of the reason I am keen on shaking it off is because it would hurt my dad to know this.  It’s so confusing.  I think like that one second, and the next second, I think, “don’t be stupid; dead is dead” I’m hopeless.

So what is the answer?  Meditating, essential oils, medication?  They sometimes work for a while.  But really, little distracts me long enough to get relief with the exception of a few hours a week, if I’m lucky.  And I give thanks for those hours the whole time I experience them.  I feel as though I am coming unhinged, untethered and scared beyond measure that this will last unabated into an endless future.  The panic attacks grab hold and choke me if I don’t make peace with the demons.

I can only surrender for a few minutes at a time.  If that.  But in those few seconds, I get a peek at what it would be like to not have pain.  Increasing my anti-depressants will hopefully, help.

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