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Friday, April 4, 2014

Neurotic?

I don’t mean any of the following as complaints; I just need to set the stage for my question at the end.

As you may know, every once in a while I get a break from the pain.  It will suddenly, unexpectedly and welcomingly drop from the usual 8-10 (pain scale) to an astonishing 5-6.   See, people don’t normally measure their pain…no reason to do so unless you slice your finger instead of the carrots.  And that pain is different.  Usually not the kind of nerve pain that I’m experiencing.  Painful, you bet.  But emergent, not chronic.  It may be a 10 when it happens, but it drops quite rapidly with a couple pain pills.   And sometimes chronic but not constant pain, like say, bursitis, hurts a lot too.  Maybe even a “10” now and then.  But again, not constant.

Constant pain feels (for me) like someone is forever sticking a nail in your arm and twisting every now and again, adding lemon juice for an occasional irritating variety. Cracking your elbow and hitting your “funny bone” (which is far from funny) is the closest I can come to explaining what nerve pain is like.  But for me, it’s from the waist down.  All. The. Time.  That zinging, zagging buzzing like a million bees feeling that numbs yet-is-painful and to which I’ve grown accustomed, though not happily.  Due to the leg tumors, I can only wear sweat pants or something equally soft because any kind of pressure hurts like heck.

Now, the average healthy person might think, “Boy, she must really be happy when the level of pain drops” which is, by the way, as unpredictable as the weather.   I’ve given it more thought than just about anything else in the past 15 years (including blaming it on that unpredictable weather) and am no closer to figuring this out than I was when this part of my journey first started.  Don’t get me wrong; I am happy when the relief days come.  And grateful.  I pray non- stop giving thanks for it, especially if I’m able to get out without help (my car’s battery has drained three times for lack of use). 

Hang on.  We’re almost at the neurotic part.  I’ve tried many different things to take advantage of the feeling good days, from staying home like I normally do, hoping for a second “good” day (but staying home is so darn tiring) to going out to two or three stores and really taking advantage of feeling good and also a bit more “normal” whatever that is (and then I pay for it big time the next day). Normal doesn’t really fit into my lexicon.  But the why and how it happens, let alone trying to create it at will is hopeless.  I simply don’t know why or how let alone if and when.  Kinda like life, eh?

Okay (whew), here it is.  The neurotic question of the day:  Lately I have been asking myself, would I be better off by not having any good days (pain wise) because they only highlight how bad the rest of my days are? 

Crazy, eh?  A bit, well, Twisted.  At any rate, today I am having a hell on wheels day in terms of pain so I’m praying for a break in it.  And that’s the conundrum.  I want a break, of course, but by getting them I seem to be making myself hyper aware of how bad the bad days are which makes me less accepting of them.  I know.  I’m neurotic.


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