Nearly a Year

It’s hard to believe that it’s coming up on one year since Ted passed.   I was so hoping to be shortly behind him.  And yet, here I am.  My body continues to challenge but spiritually I seem to be a bit better, at least some of the time.  My helper situation seems to be sorted out at the moment so that’s good.  The moment.  Stay in the moment.  I mean seriously, what makes us think we have a choice?  We act like we do, but living in fear of our future tells me we are out of sync with ourselves.

If there are parallel universes I sometimes imagine a healthy version of myself living as a successful published writer, helping those along the way, traveling to places where people are in need for whatever reason (like the mudslide less than an hour from me in Washington) and generally having a totally different life than the one I’m having.  At the same time, I want to fully experience the life that I AM having and appreciate the good things in it; like a roof over my head, food in my belly, access to medical care and people who love me.  No, I never created a family of my own in the traditional sense.  But I have a full family of origin and friends.  So I am indeed blessed.  Funny that when we imagine another life it is always what we perceive to be “better” than the one we are having.

But is it?  What would I have learned if I didn’t have NF?  What kind of person would I be?  Would I have a husband and children?  Or at least, a partner?  Would I be kind, or cruel and selfish?  I know I’m a bit of both but primarily, I hope I am seen as the latter.  It’s funny because I always try and be especially kind to the people who are helping me, saying please and thank you and talking and laughing with them.  But when I get upset about something that has nothing to do with them and they hear my anger…well, let’s just say that one care giver quit because of my personality.  It baffled me because I thought we got along great.  I even bragged to family members about what a good oatmeal maker she was and even told her that I did.  Although she just up and quit and didn’t communicate with me, I think she was insulted and thought I didn’t accept all her advice and suggestions.    The reality is, I can’t take it personally and it had nothing to do with me, even if she thought it did. 

The pain is great today, but I had a little break this past weekend….I actually even got out on my own, a rare event.  I so cherish it when the pain gets down to a 5 or 6.  Right now it’s about an 8.  Not howling mad pain, but close.  And I still miss my new and brief communications with Jaime, who just disappeared after a short but fun online relationship (to NF).