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Friday, January 8, 2016

Fear of the Harp

This may be my last post.  It's getting repetitive and I'm in so much pain these days, it's hard to do this.  Thanks to all who read, and I hope your NF or whatever keeps you in pain, resolves well, be happy, be compassionate, be grateful!

When I was about four years old, I was a flower girl for the wedding of a cousin (who I don’t recall).  I keep the old black and white picture of me holding my mom’s hand and looking up at her, as she gazed back down at me.  We were both smiling slightly.  I would not walk down the aisle as I was afraid of the harp.  Perhaps that’s why I never got married, and why there is a tiny part of me afraid of dying.  Fear of that harp.

My dear, loving sister was here for a visit the other day.  She always brings such joy and wisdom.  I was crying on and off, something I don’t do often, and saying I wish I were stronger, I wish I never complained about the pain.  She went over to a bookshelf and pulled out that framed picture of me and my mom and dropped it on my lap.  Then she asked “Would you expect this little girl to keep on taking the pain without complaint?”   I burst into tears.  No, I would not.  I do believe our birth order got turned around, or perhaps it was different in another life.  Tami feels like the oldest, I’m still in the middle, and Jeff is the youngest.  She sure is wise.

So why am I so hard on myself?  What do I expect of my ability to continue to manage an unmanageable condition?  One that keeps me in horrific pain every waking moment?  I keep telling myself the world is a frightful place and is getting worse all the time.  What have I got to complain about?  I have food, shelter, access to health care and friends and family who support me.  Pain?  Pffft.

Except that I can’t distance my body from my mind every minute of every day, which is what I have to do to get out of my body like an OBE (out of body experience) .  I chuckle when I read about people who “can’t “ meditate because 20 minutes is too long to be still.  All right  then.   I just need to keep working on it. I want to get out of my body and watch it from afar and afar from the pain.  Wouldn’t that be nice?  Of course, I would be unable to do anything so that wouldn’t be too different than how it is now.

I have felt Oliver around me a lot lately;  Very strong sensations.  I feel my mother as well.  And the rest of the gang.  Sunday’s Seahawk game against the MN Vikings should be fun.  Being from MN, my dad was a huge Viking fan.  So when they play the Seahawks, I pretend he’s in the chair he used to sit in and we watch the game.

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