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Monday, June 9, 2014

A Visit

My brother and sister in law were here Friday and we made a plan to get me to see my dad…on Father’s Day.  I pray that I am up to it because as you know, it’s been torture.  But so is not seeing him.  And his health has gone downhill so fast I fear he may not make it another week.  It’s a gut-retching feeling and one filled with guilt for not trying harder, sooner.  Part of me is just so scared of the pain being even worse than it is.  That’s what has kept me from doing it sooner.  Still.  He’s not eating, very thin, rarely getting out of bed, hospice care (though not at night which worries me.  He is checked on three times a day).  I want to follow him home, like I did when I was a little girl.

So they will pack me up in their car on Sunday, we'll stop and rest at their home (which I have never been too...and it's been over a year since they moved in) and then go to see him.  I was going to surprise him but decided telling him might give him a lift.  I think it upset him because he wants to let go and now he is going to force himself as much as possible, to hang in there.

I’m not eating much myself.  No appetite.  Too much pain.  GI problems galore.   I feel like my brain has to work constantly to keep me from going over the edge from the pain.  And the edge is looking better, getting closer.  Especially since I am now pet-free, the first time in 40 years and glad of it.  I keep waiting to want another, but I don’t.  I know it would be too hard on me physically and emotionally.  And it would be selfish.

I spoke with my dad today, as always, and he sounds weaker all the time.   When I told him I was coming for Father’s Day, he asked me if I could come sooner.  Then he apologized for saying it.  I told him there was nothing to apologize for and that if he had to let go before Sunday, I would understand.  I just want you to have what you want, I said.  Sadly, he and I want the same thing.  I just pray I can get there before he passes so that maybe I can help him transition, like I did with my mother 15 years ago.  I sometimes struggle with that, thinking I “killed her” but of course, that’s nuts.  To some extent, people wait to get permission before passing on.  I’ve seen it happen to many times to not believe it.

Boy, I really bounce, don’t I?  Stephen Hawking one day, G-d the next.

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