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Monday, January 2, 2012

Twisted

I saw my healer for the first time in a month, (two deaths in her family, very sad) and boy did I need it.
My neck was so out of joint (from lying down all the time and compression in my C spine) that my lower back went out as well, something it never does.   It is crucial for me to do as much acupuncture, gentle chiropractic and reki as possible.  She doesn’t do reiki, but she is certified to do the other stuff, plus she does general energy work.  I highly recommend it for everyone, but especially for those in pain.  It does help , and when you are in the kind of pain I’m in, every little bit of relief is welcomed.
I am so glad the holidays are behind me it’s ridiculous.  I don’t celebrate them anyway, and I don’t go far from home, but I still feel it’s energy around me.  And the abyss has been very close by lately.  I feel it calling to me.  I push it away every single minute of every single day, but it grows stronger all the time.
I try so hard to be happy for all the people in my life who have full lives.  When I hear someone say (as my sister wrote this morning in an email) “I’ve been home with a cold and I’m going stir crazy” (after two days in the house) I say nothing, but I’m screaming inside.  I know there is no point in getting angry or crazy about that kind of comment.  From her point of view, from her life experience, she WAS going stir crazy; she’s use to a lot of non stop action.   My life is the antithesis of hers….and just about  everyone else in my life.  Why get angry about it?  But I do.  Not AT her, understand.  Just angry that my life feels (what I would imagine) like the 10th circle of Hell most of the time.
I don’t want to live my life (such that it is) in s state of being dismal, and most of the time I’m not.  But when it hits, it hits hard.  And I start piling on the guilt.  “If I just TRIED I could work”  I look at people who are worse off then I am, who are working, contributing, etc., and I feel like a big fat failure.
I start to think that everyone, most especially my family, thinks I could/should be working.  I feel that way because it seems like I don’t see them much at all….and I don’t.  which means they don't see me; and they can imagine that I could be doing "something" with my life.  And maybe they would be right (if they actually thought that).  You see?  See how nuts I make myself?  What was I saying? (I mean, what was I writing?)
Oh yeah.  Before I became housebound, before the tumors started pushing on my spine causing this hellish intractable, untreatable pain, I did have a pretty full life.  So seeing someone once every few weeks felt normal.  Now it’s an eternity.  And they think I live on the dark side of the moon, often encouraging me to move “closer” to them.  Well I happen to like it where I am and my health care providers, all of them, are closer to me.  And living closer to them would NOT mean I’d see them more, because guess what?  Their lives would not be any less busy then they are now.  From my point of view, they’re on the dark side of the moon.  I can’t drive that far anymore, or rarely, so I see them less and less.  And no one seems to mind.
This is when my mind goes into a spin, thinking everyone considers me nothing more than a burden.  I am scared silly that I will end up paralyzed, shut away somewhere (cheap) and seen even less then I am now.  So I try and be as independent as possible, regardless of the physical cost.  I just can’t ask for anything from them, apart from what my dad does for me.  They have kids in college.  And the truth is, the only "I wants" in my life would be a) someone to help me clean,  and b) someone to drive me to the doctor and the grocery store.  That's it.  I don't want or need "things"
Lord only knows I’m not the only one buried under the rubble.  And as I always say, I have food in my belly and a roof over my head, so I’m way ahead of the game.   Still, eating is overrated.

Twisted.  It's all so very.

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