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Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Chasing (But Seldom Catching) My Thoughts

My dad is currently watching his partner dissolve from the same disease that took my mother; Alzheimer's. It breaks my heart into pieces to watch him go through that again...and doing so 1600 miles from me and my brother and sister. It is a devastating disease. I have my own disorder that is eating away at me, but since my mother had Alzheimer's I am fearful it will chase after me. It is starting to do so already.

Yes, part of it is a menopause thing....but when I watch a thought literally vanish from my brain in a matter of seconds, it is beyond frightening. My short term memory is so bad I can't even describe it. But watching thoughts dissolve...that's just not right. It scares me to no end. I pray my NF will kill me before it becomes too much of a problem, but given my history and the things that have upset my balance, I don't hold out much hope of dying before that happens.

I mean, it's one thing to have a health problem that is killing you, but to feel like something is killing you but your AREN'T dying; well, that's just not right either. As far as anyone knows, no one in my family has had NF. It was a spontaneous gene change. I am thankful no one else has this thing because it's no picnic; I try to be strong but sometimes I just can't be. Being in crippling pain all the time and trying to smile through it is a challenge, to say the least. But if I don't try and be brave, the few people who are still in my life will probably disappear.

No one wants to hear about it and I don't blame them. But watching thoughts dissolve like condensation on a window is beyond belief. I'm scared shitless. I want to die before this is full blown. And I may make that decision on my own, if my body doesn't make it for me. I can't imagine not being forgiven for that, if there is such a thing as "someone" out there who forgives. For crying out loud, how much am I suppose to take? Breast cancer? Survived. Acalasia (another rare disease) survived. Thyroid problem? Being monitored Urinary tract infections from catheriztion due to a neurogetic bladder? Always. Always fighting that one. Can't think of them all, but you all get the picture. This is not suppose to be a 'poor me' thing. I don't even care anymore. I just need to vent, and this is where I do it. If someone doesn't like it, leave and go read something that will make you forget truth.

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