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Sunday, March 7, 2010

My Dad and Me

What makes it possible for my dad, who is 86 years old, able to move about in spite of the pain he has in his lower back and legs? He says he just pushes himself…but he describes his pain much like what I have….tingling down his legs, etc. He can’t straighten upright very well. He can’t walk very well and uses a walker almost all the time now. But he can sit comfortably, something I cannot do for more then an hour at best. I know we suffer from different ailments…much of what he feels is due to aging, though he also has stenosis of the spine. I, on the other hand, have tumors everywhere. But I don’t push myself like he does. I do some, that’s for sure….just getting myself to the grocery store is a chore sometimes. I do it because I have to, just like him. Yet I feel horribly guilty because I think I should be doing more….and I think I should be doing everything better. After all, I am 30 years younger then him. But I know that age has little to do with it. I know that cognitively…but in my heart? All I feel is guilt. Guilt because I didn’t do more, try harder in spite of. Guilt because I don’t push harder, more often. Guilt because everyone around me is paying for the air I breathe And I don’t even want to breathe anymore. I’m just too scared to do anything about it.

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