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Sunday, October 25, 2009

Revelation Walls (around NF)

Sometimes, a revelation is the wall. Holding back information about oneself is usually blamed for when we don’t get what we think we want: an intimate relationship with a life partner. But revealing too much too soon is a wall as well. “Take that, Mr.! (or Ms)” you think (unconsciously) as you recite a long list of things about yourself that would be sure to send the casual listener screaming into the night. No chance to grow close to someone who is afraid of you before they even know what kind of books you read or what movies you enjoy. Telling the worst of the worst within the first few hours (or minutes -eek!) of meeting someone is as damaging to a potential relationship as holding back too long. Too soon, or too long. It’s enough to drive a girl crazy. My illness has been the shield of all shields. I’ve become use to it now; use to the isolation, use to ‘knowing’ I’ll never be with anyone because I’m too ill and too old for anyone to bother with finding out just how great I really am. I make sure of it. Knowing I have much to share is as hard as knowing I’ll have no chance to prove that to anyone, thanks to a defense mechanism that is more dependable then a snake’s bite or a skunks scent. Reminds me of the story of the scorpion and the frog. Scorpion wanted to cross a pond, but could not swim and saw no way across. He asked frog for a ride on his back. Frog said “Forget it. You’d bite me and I’d die.” The clever scorpion said “Now that would be dumb, wouldn’t it? If I stung you and you died, I’d drown and die along with you” Frog thought about it and agreed to the task. Halfway across, scorpion did in fact, bite frog, sending him to his death. Before he died, frog managed to croak “But why? You’ll die too” Scorpion replied “I couldn’t help it. It’s my nature.” It is in my nature to push people away, it always has been. But for humans, there is an element of control for which we seldom take responsibility. Responsibility.

 Far easier to say “I can’t help it, that’s how/who I am” Far less work. And far fewer results. So the question is, do we want our reasons, or do we want results? On the other hand….and indeed, there is another hand. What is wrong with being alone? Nothing. Yet, when I express this to someone in a relationship, or someone who wants to be in a relationship, they think I am saying it because I’m being defensive, or have some horrible thing in my life I haven’t looked at, or a combination of all that and more. Many interesting, successful people have remained single. The pressure of coupling in this society is enormous, and one must stay in touch with your inner most self and not let those messages, whether they come from television, books, the movies or advertising, get to you. As e.e. cummings once wrote: “To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” Never. Stop. Fighting

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