Push

The tumors in my left leg are killing me.  I had at least two things I wanted to get done today but had to ax both of them.  I hope tomorrow is better because I actually have four things that need to get done and I was going for two in a day….last week I had something every day of the week.  This week….moving is not going to happen.  That’s what happens if I push too hard, like I did last week.

Vinnie, my kitty from…not sure where, is getting into everything now that he’s feeling his new “home” is safe to explore.  He was sitting in the fireplace this morning.  Luckily, I haven’t had any fires so far this season so it’s clean.  Just what I need; ash paw prints everywhere.

I’m thinking of calling my pain doc to get the name of a surgeon he had told me about a while back.  I just HATE having to see doctors, especially new ones that don’t know anything about me or my limitations due to the pain.  They just don’t get that I can’t sit for 30 minutes waiting for them to call me.   And getting there is always a challenge because my helpers can’t take me because it’s in a different county.  I’m on the border and they can’t cross over.  Some will do it anyway and report the miles but not that it was out of county.  These two won’t do that.

Wednesday:  made it to two stores, sent Hamid, my helper, to get my meds.  It’s pathetic, really.  My life feels pathetically worthless sometimes.  When I’m deep in the abyss, like I am now, I feel nothing but contempt for this world and my being in it.  It’s very hard to stay focused and positive when all my available energy goes to dealing with the pain.  Overcoming, ignoring, praying, meditating…

And the list goes while the fist goes up as I shake it at the stars that won’t move, not for me, not for anyone, not even for themselves.

I’ve been wondering about something a lot lately.  I doze on and off during the day; not sleeping but going unconscious for a few seconds or a few minutes at most.  Sometimes my brain is aware that I’ve slipped away and it becomes an out of body experience.  Everything is different for those few minutes and when I come out of it, it’s not like waking from sleep.  It’s like coming back from somewhere else.  Somewhere I can’t stay.  Not yet, anyway.  I used to have lucid dreams all the time.  Before the pills so if anyone thinks my experiences with the dead and with lucid dreaming aren’t real because of the drugs, remember it’s the drugs that killed the ability.  I never took so much as an aspirin during those years.  Maybe the skill is trying to make a comeback.

If you’re breathing, you have to keep pushing.  Those are the rules.  Damn.