It's Baaaaaaack

A few days ago I had some minor withdrawal type symptoms but it was late in the evening and minor.  Today it slammed me into the wall again.  I was lying here watching something on Netflix and suddenly woke up and it was over and I had barely started it.   My legs are twitching like mad, I’ve been freezing all day (yes, it’s cold outside but the heat is on and I’m bundled up) and I feel like I did back when I first was done taking the methadone.  I keep heaing my pain doc’s nurse tell me that opiates is the only thing that will help with this so I took one of my breakthrough meds, which I try to avoid taking.  And a Tylenol, which sometimes helps.

Of course, the other day she yelled at me for not taking my breakthrough med because the idea is to make me functional.  I try to avoid taking it all the time because of the intestinal problems.  I went to the store yesterday.  Two stores.  That’s about as functional as I’m going to get.  And being out and about triggers it or something.  It’s awful at the moment.  A friend just called and offered to stop by but I told her to call back when she’s done doing her shopping.  I don’t think I’m up for company.  I HATE THIS.   Three months and two weeks and it’s not over.   I keep hearing that it could take up to a year, considering how long I was on it, but then I have a few weeks with no symptoms and I’m lulled into thinking “I’m done” but I’m not.

I know it has been a necessary evil and I know it made me functional for a long time, but this is withdrawal is hellacious…and I’m on other opiates because the pain made life unlivable.  When I let myself think about all my losses and how unlivable my life is; how little I contribute vs. how much I need, it makes me feel selfish for continuing to occupy a space on this planet.  I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.  I know I say and write that all the time; maybe it’s just a way for me to release the feelings (for now) but eventually, I’ll have to make that choice if it’s not made for me.

Because this is not living.  Not by a longshot.